So the last 48 hours have brought more bitchiness from your truly, according to the Fount of All Wisdom, my mother.
After her little volcano-like temper of Monday, on Tuesday, I took her out shopping. We sat quietly at a cafe, and I tried to explain to her what was happening to her brain, and what it means to have dementia. She seemed to grasp the concept well, and could see my point when I explained that what had been happening was that when she was "unplugged" (which is actually very similar to my amnesias), she puts things away carefully, in some place which her brain at that time deems to be safe. Then when she's back with us and plugged in again, none of us can find anything other than her scotch bottle (which always lives in the fridge).
So she realised and readily agreed with me, when I suggested that it might be a good idea for me to hold on to her wallet, her bank cards, important cards, and her cheque books, so that they didn't get hidden somewhere safe when she was unplugged. I made a point of promising her that I would never spend her money, nor would I ever withhold any money from her if she needed or wanted it for any reason.
Yesterday morning (Wednesday), things were chugging along as normal, when she demanded to know who had "stolen" her wallet. Ray tried to reason with her, and she physically lashed out and pounded him on the chest and stomach - which he said later actually hurt quite a lot. His internal organs are affected by leukaemia, so I daresay she banged on his liver and spleen, neither of which would not have enjoyed the experience. She screamed blue murder at him, at which point I intervened.
She started to have a go at me, when I held her shoulders and ordered her to calm down, while I endeavoured to remind her of the previous day's discussions. She said she never would have agreed to any such arrangement. So I went into my room, shut the door, and proceeded to get out all of her things, and then went back outside with them.
I sat and counted her money with her - down to the last 5 cents in her coin purse - before she believed me, that no-one had spent any of her money, no-one had stolen anything, that it was simply being held with my wallet and cards for safe-keeping.
Her temper tantrum came and went like a breeze, and she returned to her normal self. In order to try and create some new weather in the household quickly, I suggested that she might like to come to South Bank with me while I got my hair cut. She pounced on that idea and said that sounded like fun.
So off we set, with said wallet, cheque book and purse, in my handbag, for a day at my crazy hairdressers. Three hours later she had sat patiently while they did my hair, and put in a colour - which she offered to pay for - and it wasn't cheap! Then we went in search of something to eat, and got the bus home.
Again, after two scotches she wanted to know where her money was, and I reminded her of its safekeeping with my things. She was so drunk, she just went to sleep anyway. No apology for poor battered Ray :(
Today produced more of the same, but at least this time she didn't lay into Ray. She just complained to me all day about how unpleasant it was to live at home now. I countered that by saying that she could always go into a retirement village or a nursing home, which remark brought instant silence.
Heaven only knows what tomorrow will bring... Lord, give me strength!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Frustration... and then some more...
I feel like I've failed so badly today...
She's 94 and her memory is fading fast. She is at Stage 2 borderline Stage 3 dementia.
Today when her cleaning lady, Erica, arrived for her regular session, Mama chucked the biggest temper tantrum I've ever seen. Erica looked sideways at me, immediately realising what was going on. I, of course, did not.
Mama was screaming blue murder at me, calling me everything under the sun. Even now, three hours later, her words are echoing around in my head like some bad nightmare. I can see in my mind's eye, her mottled red face as she came out of the bedroom, and kept the rant going until she realised that Erica was standing in the living room. Then the tirade stopped.
Mama then very mildly said, "I've lost my temper. Because I'm a nurse...", and continued on with Erica like nothing had happened. Erica and she went about doing their cleaning.
It was all because Mama didn't feel like changing the sheets on her bed. Obviously she must feel like she doesn't have to make a bed any more, because in her mind, she's now a sister in charge of Women's Orthopaedic at the hospital, and making beds is beneath her dignity. This happened in 1945.
After Erica had gone... I reacted like a powderkeg with a lit fuse, and gave her a right telling-off, because she had insulted and belittled me in front of a visitor, in my own home (which is also Mama's). In my anger, I felt like I had to draw a line, and try to make her see that she had behaved very badly.
She looked at me like a frightened child, and said that she didn't remember saying anything like that to me, but that she was very sorry if she had offended me.
I, of course, now feel like a complete bitch... but I also know that we are not coping with her disease at all... I guess it all had to come to that point where you realise that you can't go on like you've been doing, because the straw just broke the camel's back.
After speaking with Veterans' Home Care, it looks like we'll be able to get in-home respite for her - up to about 3 hours a week, which sounds wonderful. In addition, we'll be able to increase Erica's hours (I hope she doesn't mind - especially after today). And we'll be eligible for more services once her ACAT assessment happens - but that could take 3 months to occur...
I only hope I last that long...
She's 94 and her memory is fading fast. She is at Stage 2 borderline Stage 3 dementia.
Today when her cleaning lady, Erica, arrived for her regular session, Mama chucked the biggest temper tantrum I've ever seen. Erica looked sideways at me, immediately realising what was going on. I, of course, did not.
Mama was screaming blue murder at me, calling me everything under the sun. Even now, three hours later, her words are echoing around in my head like some bad nightmare. I can see in my mind's eye, her mottled red face as she came out of the bedroom, and kept the rant going until she realised that Erica was standing in the living room. Then the tirade stopped.
Mama then very mildly said, "I've lost my temper. Because I'm a nurse...", and continued on with Erica like nothing had happened. Erica and she went about doing their cleaning.
It was all because Mama didn't feel like changing the sheets on her bed. Obviously she must feel like she doesn't have to make a bed any more, because in her mind, she's now a sister in charge of Women's Orthopaedic at the hospital, and making beds is beneath her dignity. This happened in 1945.
After Erica had gone... I reacted like a powderkeg with a lit fuse, and gave her a right telling-off, because she had insulted and belittled me in front of a visitor, in my own home (which is also Mama's). In my anger, I felt like I had to draw a line, and try to make her see that she had behaved very badly.
She looked at me like a frightened child, and said that she didn't remember saying anything like that to me, but that she was very sorry if she had offended me.
I, of course, now feel like a complete bitch... but I also know that we are not coping with her disease at all... I guess it all had to come to that point where you realise that you can't go on like you've been doing, because the straw just broke the camel's back.
After speaking with Veterans' Home Care, it looks like we'll be able to get in-home respite for her - up to about 3 hours a week, which sounds wonderful. In addition, we'll be able to increase Erica's hours (I hope she doesn't mind - especially after today). And we'll be eligible for more services once her ACAT assessment happens - but that could take 3 months to occur...
I only hope I last that long...
Monday, November 23, 2015
Pouch Test - Day 2
Day 2 went surprisingly well also!!!
Managed a protein shake and a big glass of water for breakfast. Thankfully, I was flat out all morning, and then went out again early in the afternoon. Barely had time for a small protein drink at lunch time, and then was out for a good part of the afternoon.
Didn't do as well on the water front, but did have a couple of skinny decaf lattes whilst on the road! I feel like I had a victory, because I didn't snack while I was out, even though my dear mother had to have a mini quiche! And I bought a pastie for the boy, because he was at home and not out with us!
Had a big protein drink and a tub of yoghurt for dinner - yummo! Now downing a decaf before bed, and feel terrific because I've got through the first two days without one single cheat. May even have an apple for supper!
Bring on soft mushies on Day 3!!!
Managed a protein shake and a big glass of water for breakfast. Thankfully, I was flat out all morning, and then went out again early in the afternoon. Barely had time for a small protein drink at lunch time, and then was out for a good part of the afternoon.
Didn't do as well on the water front, but did have a couple of skinny decaf lattes whilst on the road! I feel like I had a victory, because I didn't snack while I was out, even though my dear mother had to have a mini quiche! And I bought a pastie for the boy, because he was at home and not out with us!
Had a big protein drink and a tub of yoghurt for dinner - yummo! Now downing a decaf before bed, and feel terrific because I've got through the first two days without one single cheat. May even have an apple for supper!
Bring on soft mushies on Day 3!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Pouch test - Day 1
Surprisingly (well, for me, anyway), Day 1 went well. Had a protein shake for breakfast. Having church in the morning helped enormously - drank heaps of water in sips, and ate an apple between classes to stave off the carb desire.
When I got home, I made a protein shake and had a diluted fruit juice for lunch, and again had that lovely full feeling quite soon really.
Hit the sack after lunch, and slept for hours (I've been staying up late), so that took care of the afternoon.
The Litmus test happened this evening. We were invited to some friends' house for dinner at short notice. Ray briefly explained that I was on a limited diet at the moment, and would bring my own stash. He was looking forward to a lamb shank!
I took a tub of sugar-free tropical yoghurt and had an Aussie Bodies coffee drink. Great plan. They fed their faces, while I gently ate my dinner, and enjoyed every mouthful. I did eye off their mashed potato, but otherwise I was fine with it all.
Home now, and having a decaf coffee before bed... a big day tomorrow and Tuesday, so we'll see how well my meal planning will work away from home.
When I got home, I made a protein shake and had a diluted fruit juice for lunch, and again had that lovely full feeling quite soon really.
Hit the sack after lunch, and slept for hours (I've been staying up late), so that took care of the afternoon.
The Litmus test happened this evening. We were invited to some friends' house for dinner at short notice. Ray briefly explained that I was on a limited diet at the moment, and would bring my own stash. He was looking forward to a lamb shank!
I took a tub of sugar-free tropical yoghurt and had an Aussie Bodies coffee drink. Great plan. They fed their faces, while I gently ate my dinner, and enjoyed every mouthful. I did eye off their mashed potato, but otherwise I was fine with it all.
Home now, and having a decaf coffee before bed... a big day tomorrow and Tuesday, so we'll see how well my meal planning will work away from home.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Pouch testing...
So I have been thinking that my sleeve has stretched. I've been thinking about it for a while really, and only now do I know for sure that it's my own silly fault. I've broken every rule in the book! Eaten the wrong food, not drunk water at all, not sleeping properly, not exercising... and so the list goes on!
So today is Day 1 of the Five Day Pouch Test as designed by Kaye Bailey. Downloaded the book from the sleevers' page on Facebook and saved it to my desktop so I can look at it often. Also downloaded the Weightloss Surgery Cookbook for Dummies for some different recipes.
Today, I've had a protein shake for breakfast, an apple at morning tea, 3 pieces of watermelon at church (it was sandwich Sunday and I didn't want to cheat). On the pouch test plan, you can eat watermelon when you're having carb cravings! Woo hoo! Melons here I come!
Been drinking lots of water, and for lunch I had a diluted fruit juice and another protein shake for lunch, and now feel quite full.
Ready for a nanna nap... more tomorrow when Monday starts!
So today is Day 1 of the Five Day Pouch Test as designed by Kaye Bailey. Downloaded the book from the sleevers' page on Facebook and saved it to my desktop so I can look at it often. Also downloaded the Weightloss Surgery Cookbook for Dummies for some different recipes.
Today, I've had a protein shake for breakfast, an apple at morning tea, 3 pieces of watermelon at church (it was sandwich Sunday and I didn't want to cheat). On the pouch test plan, you can eat watermelon when you're having carb cravings! Woo hoo! Melons here I come!
Been drinking lots of water, and for lunch I had a diluted fruit juice and another protein shake for lunch, and now feel quite full.
Ready for a nanna nap... more tomorrow when Monday starts!
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Moving in with Mama...
So, we are at day 10 of our new living arrangements with Mama...
The move itself occurred over a 7 day period, when we moved all of our own boxes and household items, and then we hired a removalist to move the furniture. Definitely the hard way to do it, but we saved $$ so I can't complain. We are still finishing up at the unit, cleaning and getting the carpets shampoo-ed, and getting the place sprayed for pests. That happens this week. Hopefully we'll be able to hand in our notice this week. We have a medical release letter from my psychiatrist, so that we can get an early lease break. We know that we'll have to pay up a little more, but we've finally escaped the constant noise and lack of privacy. We have to sleep in separate rooms for the first time in our married life, and we hate it, but it's a small price to pay if we know that in doing so, Mama is safe in her own home.
I know we all have an adjustment period to go through, but I think it's going to take me longer to adjust than everyone else. Ray is skating along, sliding over the top of everything. He cooks dinner most nights, including Mama's Meals on Wheels, which is very good of him. And sometimes he remembers to get the washing off the line. But otherwise, he just does his thing, watching TV, sleeping, and resting up before chemo starts the week after next.
But otherwise, it's all me.
Washing, ironing, tidying up, setting the table, clearing the table, washing up, cleaning the kitchen (which hasn't been touched since the last time I cleaned it), cleaning the laundry (which looked as if it hadn't been touched in years), Mama's washing and ironing... and the list goes on. Thank goodness we have a cleaning lady coming in to do the floors and bathrooms!
She deeply resents any kind of change. Ray wheedles change out of her. But when I ask politely for something to change, she yells blue murder at me, and then I retreat. Maybe I need to use Ray as the conduit.
On the other hand, she follows me everywhere, wherever I go. She watches me do her work, her washing, her ironing, etcetera, with blank eyes, as if she's wondering where that work actually came from. Whenever I go to my room, she stands in the doorway, and repeats the same things she has said to me five minutes earlier in the kitchen, as she watches me clean. She will comment in fury that the kitchen isn't dirty, but then I show her the blackened Pinowipes, and she looks at them in astonishment. So I am trying to work my way around those awkward moments without making her feel small or inadequate, although it's very difficult.
Sometimes it's really challenging for me to watch her doing her thing. She flits from one task to another, forgetting where she needs/wants to put things, or why she's had them out in the first place. Things just get moved from one room to another.
When we go out, she asks me where we are going. Then when we get to our destination, she'll say, "What are we here for? I didn't want to come here!" I gently remind her why we are there, and the light bulb suddenly flickers on again... She apologises profusely, and then as we walk around, she'll ask me again why we're there. It's so sad to watch her decline like that.
Mercifully, I have the study in which to hide. Whenever I want quiet time, they both know that I retreat in here, and put my glasses on, and look intently at the screen, often with my earphones on... to drown out the sound of the TV which is set to "deafening" every night. I hide in here, trying to work out ways and means...
This whole episode is teaching me one of Heavenly Father's primary values - patience. I only hope that when I grow old and decrepit, someone will be patient with me...
The move itself occurred over a 7 day period, when we moved all of our own boxes and household items, and then we hired a removalist to move the furniture. Definitely the hard way to do it, but we saved $$ so I can't complain. We are still finishing up at the unit, cleaning and getting the carpets shampoo-ed, and getting the place sprayed for pests. That happens this week. Hopefully we'll be able to hand in our notice this week. We have a medical release letter from my psychiatrist, so that we can get an early lease break. We know that we'll have to pay up a little more, but we've finally escaped the constant noise and lack of privacy. We have to sleep in separate rooms for the first time in our married life, and we hate it, but it's a small price to pay if we know that in doing so, Mama is safe in her own home.
I know we all have an adjustment period to go through, but I think it's going to take me longer to adjust than everyone else. Ray is skating along, sliding over the top of everything. He cooks dinner most nights, including Mama's Meals on Wheels, which is very good of him. And sometimes he remembers to get the washing off the line. But otherwise, he just does his thing, watching TV, sleeping, and resting up before chemo starts the week after next.
But otherwise, it's all me.
Washing, ironing, tidying up, setting the table, clearing the table, washing up, cleaning the kitchen (which hasn't been touched since the last time I cleaned it), cleaning the laundry (which looked as if it hadn't been touched in years), Mama's washing and ironing... and the list goes on. Thank goodness we have a cleaning lady coming in to do the floors and bathrooms!
She deeply resents any kind of change. Ray wheedles change out of her. But when I ask politely for something to change, she yells blue murder at me, and then I retreat. Maybe I need to use Ray as the conduit.
On the other hand, she follows me everywhere, wherever I go. She watches me do her work, her washing, her ironing, etcetera, with blank eyes, as if she's wondering where that work actually came from. Whenever I go to my room, she stands in the doorway, and repeats the same things she has said to me five minutes earlier in the kitchen, as she watches me clean. She will comment in fury that the kitchen isn't dirty, but then I show her the blackened Pinowipes, and she looks at them in astonishment. So I am trying to work my way around those awkward moments without making her feel small or inadequate, although it's very difficult.
Sometimes it's really challenging for me to watch her doing her thing. She flits from one task to another, forgetting where she needs/wants to put things, or why she's had them out in the first place. Things just get moved from one room to another.
When we go out, she asks me where we are going. Then when we get to our destination, she'll say, "What are we here for? I didn't want to come here!" I gently remind her why we are there, and the light bulb suddenly flickers on again... She apologises profusely, and then as we walk around, she'll ask me again why we're there. It's so sad to watch her decline like that.
Mercifully, I have the study in which to hide. Whenever I want quiet time, they both know that I retreat in here, and put my glasses on, and look intently at the screen, often with my earphones on... to drown out the sound of the TV which is set to "deafening" every night. I hide in here, trying to work out ways and means...
This whole episode is teaching me one of Heavenly Father's primary values - patience. I only hope that when I grow old and decrepit, someone will be patient with me...
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Seven months down on the road of the weight loss track...
So I didn't really want to bore everyone with the ins and outs (particularly the outs) of a fast weight loss program... suffice it to say, I've had days of complete "outs" when I could keep nothing down or in... it all had to come out in one way or another... and then I've had particularly stellar days...
The above photo was taken with my dear friend Geraldine (on the left) in the summer of 2013. At that stage, I weighed something in the vicinity of 140kg.
I've been back to the surgeon once or twice, mostly for routine check-ups... and once back into hospital for a post-op infection which cleared up quickly.
Now, after seven months, and days and weeks of trying alternative foods, no foods, some foods, some junk, some healthy... you name it, I've eaten it... and drunk it...
I have lost .... *** drum roll please *** .... 40 KILOGRAMS!!!!
Yes, I know I'm shouting. But I could really yell this from every rooftop.
If you had told me at the beginning of this journey that I could have lost this much weight, I would have laughed in your face. Seriously.
Never in my wildest dreams did I realise that this kind of loss was not only possible, but probable! This is completely normal!
Did I say that I really like this kind of normal? It's just so awesome on so many levels:
The above photo was taken with my dear friend Geraldine (on the left) in the summer of 2013. At that stage, I weighed something in the vicinity of 140kg.
I've been back to the surgeon once or twice, mostly for routine check-ups... and once back into hospital for a post-op infection which cleared up quickly.
Now, after seven months, and days and weeks of trying alternative foods, no foods, some foods, some junk, some healthy... you name it, I've eaten it... and drunk it...
I have lost .... *** drum roll please *** .... 40 KILOGRAMS!!!!
Yes, I know I'm shouting. But I could really yell this from every rooftop.
If you had told me at the beginning of this journey that I could have lost this much weight, I would have laughed in your face. Seriously.
Never in my wildest dreams did I realise that this kind of loss was not only possible, but probable! This is completely normal!
Did I say that I really like this kind of normal? It's just so awesome on so many levels:
- you don't always have to go to the fridge/cupboard/kitchen bench for something to eat
- you don't always feel like you have to go to the fridge/cupboard/kitchen bench
- you can and do frequently go into dress shops for "normal" sized people, because you are now considered (mostly) normal
- you go hunting in op shops for those great bargains because you know that you'll definitely find something to fit you!
- you go hunting for shoes at Rivers because you know that you'll definitely find something to fit you!
- you regularly go to Boost Juice because you know you'll feel full for hours on one of their juices - which can contain that extra protein that you need to make you feel awesome!
Did I say that I really like this kind of normal?
To know that nearly all of the clothes that were so generously donated by my friend, Tonia, are now mostly too big.
To know that I can now fit into a Millers Size 18, with room to spare in some cases! WOOT!!!
It's just so liberatingly wonderful! The above pic was taken this evening in pants which are too big, but the top fits nicely.
I have yet to finish my journey. I have lots more weight to lose. My goal is 70kg. If I can get there, I will no longer be classed as obese.
This too shall pass. I shall reach that goal; now I know I will!
Friday, October 10, 2014
Working Harder in Week 4 of the Slog to Surgery
So, I'm into Week 4. I've lost almost 9.5kg. I've lost 12cm around my hips, 10cm around my waist, 12cm around my bust, and 8cm around my neck. I'm the original shrinking violet. This is what happens when you put wet people into a clothes dryer set on Hot.
All the size 26 clothes are becoming rather baggy, but I won't get into a size 24 for another 3kg or so - hanging out for that! I do have some lovely size 24's, so it'll be nice to maybe wear something in that size the week before the surgery.
It's creeping up, that surgery... much faster than I realised. I have to pull my finger out and get some cleaning done around home, that I won't be able to do for about four weeks afterwards. Then again, I could just let it go...
I've been busy scrapbooking instead :D Have been working on the big project for The Ignatians Musical Society - a series of albums donated to them by the family of a late friend of ours. He passed away in the early 1990s, and I've been asked to scrapbook his albums so that they will be a lasting record of all the work done by this wonderful man. It's a huge effort - something like 15 shows, including several Broadways and Gilbert & Sullivan works. Lots of fun... although I have to hold back with my own sentiments and keep it simple, both of which I find very difficult to do!
I think I'll just keep scrapbooking... and maybe clean in between times... it's easier not to feel hungry when you're sitting still for hours. The minute I get up and use up energy, I'm starving again... Oh well, onwards and upwards... per volar sunata!
All the size 26 clothes are becoming rather baggy, but I won't get into a size 24 for another 3kg or so - hanging out for that! I do have some lovely size 24's, so it'll be nice to maybe wear something in that size the week before the surgery.
It's creeping up, that surgery... much faster than I realised. I have to pull my finger out and get some cleaning done around home, that I won't be able to do for about four weeks afterwards. Then again, I could just let it go...
I've been busy scrapbooking instead :D Have been working on the big project for The Ignatians Musical Society - a series of albums donated to them by the family of a late friend of ours. He passed away in the early 1990s, and I've been asked to scrapbook his albums so that they will be a lasting record of all the work done by this wonderful man. It's a huge effort - something like 15 shows, including several Broadways and Gilbert & Sullivan works. Lots of fun... although I have to hold back with my own sentiments and keep it simple, both of which I find very difficult to do!
I think I'll just keep scrapbooking... and maybe clean in between times... it's easier not to feel hungry when you're sitting still for hours. The minute I get up and use up energy, I'm starving again... Oh well, onwards and upwards... per volar sunata!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
The End of Week 1 of the Hard Slog to Surgery
So..... 6 days after I saw the dietician last, and have started the intensive weight loss program for surgery.
I've had almost a week on the shakes and soups prescribed. At first I thought I'd hate them. The first soup I had was just awful (I think I mentioned that before). But after that, I've settled into the rhythm of the diet a little better. I really enjoy my 80g of protein every day. Ray has made sure we have lovely shaved leg ham in the fridge, and I've added in a little steak and some red salmon to the equation. In addition, I've tried to vary my salads and vegies as much as possible to alleviate boredom.
So... after hopping onto the scales with some certainty (especially as I hadn't cheated all week, except for a tall black decaf coffee with a splash of skim milk), I discovered with much joy that I had lost 5kg!!!! To say I was pleased would be the understatement of the day. I knew I'd lost a bit because my rings are a little loose :) Dietician is very pleased with my progress, and encouraged me to keep going and persist with the plan.
So, we start Week 2 with a happy heart and a renewed energy to persist with the program wherever possible (trying not to cheat), to keep adding variety, and to try and add some activity. Plus slug down more water... I didn't do so well in that department. Bought some diet cordial to change the taste of our ordinary water up here.
Hope to get up the courage/nerve to go swimming this week... or at least take Tiger for a couple of walks :)
Woo hoo! I'm succeeding!!
I've had almost a week on the shakes and soups prescribed. At first I thought I'd hate them. The first soup I had was just awful (I think I mentioned that before). But after that, I've settled into the rhythm of the diet a little better. I really enjoy my 80g of protein every day. Ray has made sure we have lovely shaved leg ham in the fridge, and I've added in a little steak and some red salmon to the equation. In addition, I've tried to vary my salads and vegies as much as possible to alleviate boredom.
So... after hopping onto the scales with some certainty (especially as I hadn't cheated all week, except for a tall black decaf coffee with a splash of skim milk), I discovered with much joy that I had lost 5kg!!!! To say I was pleased would be the understatement of the day. I knew I'd lost a bit because my rings are a little loose :) Dietician is very pleased with my progress, and encouraged me to keep going and persist with the plan.
So, we start Week 2 with a happy heart and a renewed energy to persist with the program wherever possible (trying not to cheat), to keep adding variety, and to try and add some activity. Plus slug down more water... I didn't do so well in that department. Bought some diet cordial to change the taste of our ordinary water up here.
Hope to get up the courage/nerve to go swimming this week... or at least take Tiger for a couple of walks :)
Woo hoo! I'm succeeding!!
Saturday, September 20, 2014
The Next Adventure... Weight Loss
A couple of months ago, I decided to visit my mother's GP. Tony had also been Papa's GP, and had saved his life a couple of times, so I had faith in him and his ability to direct me appropriately. After having some blood work done, Tony found a few things, including gout (who knew people under 60 ever got gout?), a complete lack of Vitamin D in my system, electrolytes all over the place and some thyroid problems as well. I had asked for his advice about my ever-deteriorating knees, which were becoming just too painful for me to cope with.
His answer was blunt. Have weight loss surgery - a.s.a.p.
I was quite stunned at first. My immediate thought was lap-banding. He gain-said that immediately, and suggested a gastric sleeve. I had never even heard of it. He explained it briefly, and I thought it sounded like a real possibility. The big problem, of course, was the $$$. Wasn't it always - and not just with this - but with every facet of our lives?
Tony was also seeing Mama on that day, and unbeknowned to me, he spoke to her about the surgery as well. When we got back to her home, she said, "Well, I think you should have it done." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mother wanted to spend the better part of $20,000 on surgery for me, so that I could lose weight. I was completely stunned.
When I got home, I discussed it with Ray. I prayed hard about it. In the end, we both felt it would give me another chance at living the rest of my life in reasonably good health - in fact, when all the cards were laid on the table, it was really a no-brainer. If the surgeon agreed, we'd proceed.
Which is exactly what has happened. At this date, I have had my first two visits with the surgeon, two of his practice nurses, and his dietician. The surgeon has given me the green light for surgery - with one condition. I have to lose at least 10kg before the surgery - by 4th November, in other words.
I have been put on a very low carb diet (it's actually a no-carb diet). I have three protein shakes a day, plus the usual "free" vegies and salads, plus the usual "free" stuff like diet jellies, diet drinks and cordials, and some condiments. I can only have two serves of fruit a day - and they're limited to 6 kinds. I am now having either an apple, a pear, or 6 strawberries each day, or 6 prunes.
After Day 1 of said diet, I actually don't feel too bad. The two protein shakes which I had during the day, I really enjoyed. The soup at dinner was simply diabolical. I opted for a slightly larger serve of protein with my plateful of vegies, and chucked the shake down the sink. I have washed it down with a pineapple diet jelly, which slightly mollified my stunned tastebuds.
In addition, I had a decent hypo before dinner, with shakes and dizziness. Will have to watch the sugars in the next 24 hours.
Watch this space...
His answer was blunt. Have weight loss surgery - a.s.a.p.
I was quite stunned at first. My immediate thought was lap-banding. He gain-said that immediately, and suggested a gastric sleeve. I had never even heard of it. He explained it briefly, and I thought it sounded like a real possibility. The big problem, of course, was the $$$. Wasn't it always - and not just with this - but with every facet of our lives?
Tony was also seeing Mama on that day, and unbeknowned to me, he spoke to her about the surgery as well. When we got back to her home, she said, "Well, I think you should have it done." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mother wanted to spend the better part of $20,000 on surgery for me, so that I could lose weight. I was completely stunned.
When I got home, I discussed it with Ray. I prayed hard about it. In the end, we both felt it would give me another chance at living the rest of my life in reasonably good health - in fact, when all the cards were laid on the table, it was really a no-brainer. If the surgeon agreed, we'd proceed.
Which is exactly what has happened. At this date, I have had my first two visits with the surgeon, two of his practice nurses, and his dietician. The surgeon has given me the green light for surgery - with one condition. I have to lose at least 10kg before the surgery - by 4th November, in other words.
I have been put on a very low carb diet (it's actually a no-carb diet). I have three protein shakes a day, plus the usual "free" vegies and salads, plus the usual "free" stuff like diet jellies, diet drinks and cordials, and some condiments. I can only have two serves of fruit a day - and they're limited to 6 kinds. I am now having either an apple, a pear, or 6 strawberries each day, or 6 prunes.
After Day 1 of said diet, I actually don't feel too bad. The two protein shakes which I had during the day, I really enjoyed. The soup at dinner was simply diabolical. I opted for a slightly larger serve of protein with my plateful of vegies, and chucked the shake down the sink. I have washed it down with a pineapple diet jelly, which slightly mollified my stunned tastebuds.
In addition, I had a decent hypo before dinner, with shakes and dizziness. Will have to watch the sugars in the next 24 hours.
Watch this space...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Party's over... in more ways than one...
It's taken a few weeks for me to sit here and write some thoughts on The Big Bash. Its consequences surprised, delighted and dismayed me.
She had such a great day, surrounded by all but one of her nieces and nephews and many friends and family from far and wide. Some came down from Roma just for the day to be with her. I loved that whenever I saw her, she was happily engaged in conversation with someone, she always had a drink in her hand, and she was utterly exhausted at the end of the day - "I had such a good time!" she said to me.
In the days just before the party, that became my sole reason for doing everything I did. I wanted it to be the best day for her that I could arrange. I was looking forward to catching up with some favourite rellies, but what mattered most was Mama's happiness. That we achieved that was great.
By the time the day itself rolled around, I was so exhausted I could barely move. I had cooked and prepared and decorated for three days solidly before the Thursday. I stayed the night with her on the Wednesday night, hoping for an early start. I stayed up until 3am putting potato and bacon onto toothpicks, and doing a myriad of other things - stacking plates and napkins, counting cups, etc.
Mama woke me at 5am.
My valiant and marvellous helpers, Annie and Karen, arrived at 8am, and did not stop working until well after 3pm. I simply do not know what I would have done without them. They made sandwiches out of 20 loaves of bread - all of which were eaten, and then proceeded to plate up all of the finger food I had made. Barb and Mumma G arrived and helped to make up dozens of fruit and Italian toothpicks for the vegetarians. A small army of people was making my party happen, and I plunged into the preparations with renewed vigor.
Catherine arrived with her batch of food, and they took that over as well. An efficient conveyor of food in and out of microwaves and ovens and onto platters ensured that the food was piping hot and delivered around the guests by my niece and nephews. They worked so hard!
I did have time to stop and talk with friends after the speeches. I really enjoyed that period... except for when cousin Kathleen managed to pipe in that she didn't like my dress "at all - it doesn't suit you in the least" - in a very loud voice which was heard by several people. Needless to say, I was completely shattered after that. I had been so excited to find a real party dress - something that I had never ever bought before - and to be able to wear it for my Mama. Cate said she liked it, Barb loved it... the girls in the kitchen and Mumma G commented how nice it looked. But that one comment helped to start the next downward spiral.
After a couple of days of helping Mama at home, putting everything back to rights at her end - my end was still a disaster area - I discovered that I had absolutely no interest in doing anything at all, including getting out of bed, eating, ironing, sleeping for up to 14 hrs at a time, or staying awake for the same period, or speaking to anyone. This continued for a week, after which time we agreed that I should phone Dr Brad. He was very concerned, and made some changes to my drug regime - but did not change any of the drugs themselves.
Another three weeks followed, and I had slid backwards even further. I was no longer interested in life, and was sliding back into a major depressive episode. Went back to Brad, who immediately changed the anti-depressants and introduced another sedative to induce better sleep.
I am due to see him next week... I have evened out, but I can feel emotions being reined in by the drugs. Now, as a long term taker of such medications, I can tell the difference when the drugs are doing their work.
..............................
This week I've been very saddened about the death of Peter Roebuck, one of the ABC's cricket commentary team. Peter committed suicide by jumping out of a hotel window in Johannesburg. He was about to be arrested and charged with the alleged sexual assault of a young Zimbabwean man.
Anyone who knows my story knows that I attempted suicide in my first year of treatment in 1997. I was in a horrible place mentally at the time. I had been having amnestic episodes every week for six months, and they showed no signs of diminishing. No-one knew why I was having them, and couldn't seem to stop them. I was losing days at a time. I couldn't work. I took an overdose of Serepax - 28 pills in fact. I woke up in the Royal Brisbane, and had to drink down two cups of charcoal. I remember how devastated I was when I realised that I had failed in my attempt - the despair was raw and ugly and bloody.
Peter Roebuck had always behaved with the utmost decency. He came across as the quintessential English gentleman. His respect for his fellow commentators, no matter how many times they teased him, remained in tact. He was well known for his philanthropy, sponsoring a number of children in Pietermaritzburg for their education right through to university.
I can only assume that he must have been in or near that very dark place where I had been... where there is no light... where time is suspended, but racing along at the same speed... where desperation and need for relief drive your every thought and word.
I felt the utmost despair for him... knowing where he had been... how frightened he must have felt. With fellow commentators right beside him - Jim Maxwell had been with him only moments before - he still chose the most desperate route of escape from some horror which he felt must have awaited him.
For one who had set the bar so high for himself, whatever was the crux of that allegation must have sounded a death knell for him. Otherwise, I cannot believe how he would have otherwise decided to take his own life.
Vale Peter Roebuck.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Five Days and counting down...
I wondered if this week would ever come... it feels like it's taken forever to get here.
Because we're having a lot of finger food and sandwiches and snacky stuff, a lot of it couldn't be done beforehand. Cate has done as much as she could manage... but there's still an awful lot left to do.
Today I have been in the middle of making mini pavlovas, boiling condensed milk for caramel, and making lemon butter. The pavs are slow going as they have to cool in the oven for about 4 hours. So you can't start another batch until that's happened.
In between, it's been finishing the gi-normous shopping list, which I shall do tomorrow, except for the uncooked vegies and fruit which will need to be fresh as a daisy for Thursday. It's also "take another load of stuff to Mama's house" day - this time, the coffee percolators, my clean silver, assorted non-matching milk jugs and sugar bowls, serviette holders and water jugs.
Our guest list now stands at about 85 - absolutely terrifying! I'm worried I won't have made enough food... I'll make sure I've got some stuff in the freezer on standby, just in case...
With the help of Baba, I found a lovely dress... it makes me feel rather girly... I haven't felt like that in years... it'll be noice to have a pretty dress to wear :)
Centrepieces are nearly finished - just tissue paper and tulle to be added. I'm really happy with the silver one for the cake table... I hope she likes them... she seems not to notice the chaos on the table when she comes over...
Please God, I hope this works out...
Because we're having a lot of finger food and sandwiches and snacky stuff, a lot of it couldn't be done beforehand. Cate has done as much as she could manage... but there's still an awful lot left to do.
Today I have been in the middle of making mini pavlovas, boiling condensed milk for caramel, and making lemon butter. The pavs are slow going as they have to cool in the oven for about 4 hours. So you can't start another batch until that's happened.
In between, it's been finishing the gi-normous shopping list, which I shall do tomorrow, except for the uncooked vegies and fruit which will need to be fresh as a daisy for Thursday. It's also "take another load of stuff to Mama's house" day - this time, the coffee percolators, my clean silver, assorted non-matching milk jugs and sugar bowls, serviette holders and water jugs.
Our guest list now stands at about 85 - absolutely terrifying! I'm worried I won't have made enough food... I'll make sure I've got some stuff in the freezer on standby, just in case...
With the help of Baba, I found a lovely dress... it makes me feel rather girly... I haven't felt like that in years... it'll be noice to have a pretty dress to wear :)
Centrepieces are nearly finished - just tissue paper and tulle to be added. I'm really happy with the silver one for the cake table... I hope she likes them... she seems not to notice the chaos on the table when she comes over...
Please God, I hope this works out...
Monday, September 12, 2011
Colds and The Party
Did I ever tell you that a series of colds (this is the third in as many months), and getting ready for a big party do not mesh together at all well?
This third episode is driving me nuts, coz it's lasting longer... and it's right in the middle of everything else going on!
The big party is going ahead full-steam on 6th October - the nieces that said that "we must have a big party" is now having to deal with her husband having full doses of chemo and radium for cancer :( One of her sisters also has to have a lumpectomy soon... that family has known such tragedy... I'm hoping they can make it, if not just to have some time out...
But... onward ho!
Mama and I keep muttering "bloody party"... Sister Catherine has her food preparation well underway - she's doing a lot of the stuff that can be frozen and prepared ahead of time.
I, on the other hand, have table centrepieces littering my overflowing dining room table, a collection of beautiful pom poms (courtesy of Barb and Elizabeth Whittaker) sitting on my spare bed, ready to be hung onto the canopies, and a leaning tower of Tupperware and assorted containers taking up non-existent space in my craft room.
There are discussions about whether or not to hire extra chairs, cups and a bigger canopy in case it chucks it down with rain... about whether or not to have extra sandwich fillings on standby... and a hundred and one other assorted bits of trivial importance. Like anyone is going to notice if the milk jugs don't match...
I've decided to take the week of the party off working, because it will just reduce the pressure... I've scheduled an appointment with Dr Brad, in case I'm at screaming point by then.
Must order the birthday cake soon too...
Ahhhhh... details, details, details....
This third episode is driving me nuts, coz it's lasting longer... and it's right in the middle of everything else going on!
The big party is going ahead full-steam on 6th October - the nieces that said that "we must have a big party" is now having to deal with her husband having full doses of chemo and radium for cancer :( One of her sisters also has to have a lumpectomy soon... that family has known such tragedy... I'm hoping they can make it, if not just to have some time out...
But... onward ho!
Mama and I keep muttering "bloody party"... Sister Catherine has her food preparation well underway - she's doing a lot of the stuff that can be frozen and prepared ahead of time.
I, on the other hand, have table centrepieces littering my overflowing dining room table, a collection of beautiful pom poms (courtesy of Barb and Elizabeth Whittaker) sitting on my spare bed, ready to be hung onto the canopies, and a leaning tower of Tupperware and assorted containers taking up non-existent space in my craft room.
There are discussions about whether or not to hire extra chairs, cups and a bigger canopy in case it chucks it down with rain... about whether or not to have extra sandwich fillings on standby... and a hundred and one other assorted bits of trivial importance. Like anyone is going to notice if the milk jugs don't match...
I've decided to take the week of the party off working, because it will just reduce the pressure... I've scheduled an appointment with Dr Brad, in case I'm at screaming point by then.
Must order the birthday cake soon too...
Ahhhhh... details, details, details....
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Well, there was something of a gap in between....
I did fall into a bad hole... and periodically I drift back into it... but in the main, I'm able to drag myself out of it...
We've had doses of the flu, helping Mama come to terms with living without Papa - and she's being so brave, dentists up the wazoo, doctors up the wazoo, all of that... and our colder-than-usual winter scuppered any vague inclination I had of exercising in the pool...
And my bestie, Barb, and I seem to have both had a run of stuff that's just sent us to ground in a big way... not at all conducive to resurrecting a more "normal" life... whatever that is...
But I have had to kickstart my energy with an afterburner... at Papa's funeral, one of my cousins suggested that we simply must have a party for Mama for her 90th birthday... which is on 6th October. At first, she had a list of 130 people, at which point I had to raise some flags - particularly about which rafter we would seat them on if it happened to rain that day... she has pared that back to 110, and I am praying that our erstwhile friends and family will have such rich and fruitful lives that they won't be able to join us... If that cousin turns up, and I find her sitting on a chair chatting, she may well have a full tray shoved gently into her hands :)
With some six weeks left to go, my head is now full of recipes, numbers, chairs, decorations, table centrepieces, balloons, cups, and all the associated other paraphernalia required for a celebration of such enormity. My sister is going to help with the cooking - but she works full time and has four children, and lives west of Ipswich, so her help is going to be limited.
My dear friend from Singapore, Francyn Tan, gave us both a wonderful surprise recently - she has painted a picture of our Tiger from a photograph. It's the most beautiful thing - and Ray said so - which is saying something for him! It shall take pride of place in our home, once it arrives.
So dear friends, I shall blog on, inspired by Michelle, who has also started to reblog (there's a new word for you). I shall return every now and again, and shall post pics of party stuff...
much love
Annie xx
We've had doses of the flu, helping Mama come to terms with living without Papa - and she's being so brave, dentists up the wazoo, doctors up the wazoo, all of that... and our colder-than-usual winter scuppered any vague inclination I had of exercising in the pool...
And my bestie, Barb, and I seem to have both had a run of stuff that's just sent us to ground in a big way... not at all conducive to resurrecting a more "normal" life... whatever that is...
But I have had to kickstart my energy with an afterburner... at Papa's funeral, one of my cousins suggested that we simply must have a party for Mama for her 90th birthday... which is on 6th October. At first, she had a list of 130 people, at which point I had to raise some flags - particularly about which rafter we would seat them on if it happened to rain that day... she has pared that back to 110, and I am praying that our erstwhile friends and family will have such rich and fruitful lives that they won't be able to join us... If that cousin turns up, and I find her sitting on a chair chatting, she may well have a full tray shoved gently into her hands :)
With some six weeks left to go, my head is now full of recipes, numbers, chairs, decorations, table centrepieces, balloons, cups, and all the associated other paraphernalia required for a celebration of such enormity. My sister is going to help with the cooking - but she works full time and has four children, and lives west of Ipswich, so her help is going to be limited.
My dear friend from Singapore, Francyn Tan, gave us both a wonderful surprise recently - she has painted a picture of our Tiger from a photograph. It's the most beautiful thing - and Ray said so - which is saying something for him! It shall take pride of place in our home, once it arrives.
So dear friends, I shall blog on, inspired by Michelle, who has also started to reblog (there's a new word for you). I shall return every now and again, and shall post pics of party stuff...
much love
Annie xx
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Stuck in the mud
Well, you wouldn't have thought that after that great start that I could sink so low so quickly. But there it is.
Down in a hole, depression grabbing me by the throat, just unable/ disinterested in getting myself out right now. I daresay if I pulled my finger out, and went for a swim, I would feel better. My diet has been slightly sabotaged by a weekend away, but I have found it difficult to revert to the smaller meal sizes, although I have tried hard.
I feel very unsettled too - maybe due to the weekend away. Feel like I just want to park my arse at home and blether around here. Just too much going out, visits to doctors who don't tell me much, and then forget to give me drugs :/ I loved the scrapbooking weekend - but it was so much trouble and effort! Got home, and it took me an hour to unpack the car and deal with the luggage... and the craft room is even worse now than it was before. It will take me a day to sort that room out, at least. And I just couldn't care less.
Down in a hole, depression grabbing me by the throat, just unable/ disinterested in getting myself out right now. I daresay if I pulled my finger out, and went for a swim, I would feel better. My diet has been slightly sabotaged by a weekend away, but I have found it difficult to revert to the smaller meal sizes, although I have tried hard.
I feel very unsettled too - maybe due to the weekend away. Feel like I just want to park my arse at home and blether around here. Just too much going out, visits to doctors who don't tell me much, and then forget to give me drugs :/ I loved the scrapbooking weekend - but it was so much trouble and effort! Got home, and it took me an hour to unpack the car and deal with the luggage... and the craft room is even worse now than it was before. It will take me a day to sort that room out, at least. And I just couldn't care less.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Man, that one hurt! But we do have extra energy :)
Late last night, and this morning for that matter, I proved that yesterday's exercise session went so well that I overdid it to a good extent. The knees are very sore, as well as several other odd places like toes (for heaven's sake!), hips and the rotator cuffs in my shoulders (where I've had cortisone injections before). The old knees didn't like the water walking in a circle - too much sideways movements too soon, methinks. The toes have been thoroughly stretched with a simple exercise called "up on your toes - roll back onto your heels with your toes in the air". My toes haven't moved like that since I could put my feet into my mouth at six months!
The upside of all of that exercise, though, is that my blood sugar readings are just awesome!
And yesterday and today, the hubbub and I have been working on small projects around the house that have just gotten away from us. Yesterday we gave the carport a good overhaul (well, on one side at least), so that my lovely garden swing that I got for my birthday is now available for me to use again. It had been providing a storage place for a quantity of Creative Memories boxes, which were being used for no particular purpose. Now I just have to get him to tidy up the other side - where all of his mechanical stuff is... :/
Today we went through our clothes that were stored in our back bedrooms - man, have we got a lot of clothes that we weren't wearing! We had a huge chuck-out - St Vinnies and Lifeline are going to do well out of us this weekend. I haven't started on my summer clothes or shoes yet... now there's another two hour job...
Still to come... another try at tidying up the craft room ... again ... and those summer clothes ...
Just generally taking small steps... baby steps, as Dr Brad the shrink says. Speaking of whom, I had a yarn with him late Thurs afternoon as he was on his way home, and discussed the extra work I'm going to need to do as I lose these kilos, and hence the protective armour I added after the pack rape.
I know I'll be opening myself up emotionally to some dark places which I really don't want to revisit - haven't been there for at least 7-8 years. Have great fears of making myself visible again... :( But either I die, or I make myself visible... I don't know which is worse :(
The upside of all of that exercise, though, is that my blood sugar readings are just awesome!
And yesterday and today, the hubbub and I have been working on small projects around the house that have just gotten away from us. Yesterday we gave the carport a good overhaul (well, on one side at least), so that my lovely garden swing that I got for my birthday is now available for me to use again. It had been providing a storage place for a quantity of Creative Memories boxes, which were being used for no particular purpose. Now I just have to get him to tidy up the other side - where all of his mechanical stuff is... :/Today we went through our clothes that were stored in our back bedrooms - man, have we got a lot of clothes that we weren't wearing! We had a huge chuck-out - St Vinnies and Lifeline are going to do well out of us this weekend. I haven't started on my summer clothes or shoes yet... now there's another two hour job...
Still to come... another try at tidying up the craft room ... again ... and those summer clothes ...
Just generally taking small steps... baby steps, as Dr Brad the shrink says. Speaking of whom, I had a yarn with him late Thurs afternoon as he was on his way home, and discussed the extra work I'm going to need to do as I lose these kilos, and hence the protective armour I added after the pack rape.
I know I'll be opening myself up emotionally to some dark places which I really don't want to revisit - haven't been there for at least 7-8 years. Have great fears of making myself visible again... :( But either I die, or I make myself visible... I don't know which is worse :(
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A rubbery swim... and then more bloods :(
Barb and I teamed up for one of our now-legendary swimming sessions, except that she doesn't swim much now, because she'll have already been to the gym and worked up a sweat. Which is what she did today... and you should have seen her! She was positively glowing!!! I'm so proud of her for opening herself up to that kind of land-based pain... I couldn't do it for love nor money.
We were in the proper hydrotherapy pool today, with gently sloped steps down into the water, which is roughly 32 degrees Celcius. Makes for a soothing and mentally de-stressing workout... just space and time to do your thing...so Baba just floated around the pool while I did mine. Again, got through the workout with only one pause this time :)
Late this afternoon, had the first of what I think will be many more blood tests to start the thyroid investigation. Dr B said she hadn't done any for a while, so she ordered them - bloody vampires... it's all right for them... I feel like a frickin' pincushion!
I did a weight check on her scales, as they're the ones I'll be going to the most... they said 136.7kg. So I'll mark that as my start point, and every now and again I'll add in my progress here, so that anyone who is interested can look at the progress.
So we won't find out the results of the bloods for another week or two, by the time the Easter break and the May long weekend come around.
And I'll get several more rubbery swim sessions in before then :)
I love my Baba for supporting me through this journey... thank you, hunny xx
We were in the proper hydrotherapy pool today, with gently sloped steps down into the water, which is roughly 32 degrees Celcius. Makes for a soothing and mentally de-stressing workout... just space and time to do your thing...so Baba just floated around the pool while I did mine. Again, got through the workout with only one pause this time :)
Late this afternoon, had the first of what I think will be many more blood tests to start the thyroid investigation. Dr B said she hadn't done any for a while, so she ordered them - bloody vampires... it's all right for them... I feel like a frickin' pincushion!
I did a weight check on her scales, as they're the ones I'll be going to the most... they said 136.7kg. So I'll mark that as my start point, and every now and again I'll add in my progress here, so that anyone who is interested can look at the progress.
So we won't find out the results of the bloods for another week or two, by the time the Easter break and the May long weekend come around.
And I'll get several more rubbery swim sessions in before then :)
I love my Baba for supporting me through this journey... thank you, hunny xx
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day Two - after the first day of exercise - how much did it hurt? And what's in my fridge?
Surprisingly, I woke with the alarm. Lay there for a bit, and gingerly sat up.
Fully expecting a scream from protesting muscle groups, the silence was deafening. A wee bit of stiffness in the already dodgy knees, which is totally normal ... but otherwise... zip... zilch... nada... not a sausage... :)))))
It's very interesting how easily one's mind reverts to the old and familiar - and therefore self-sabotage - when it comes to food. And with the drastic changes in my diet, I've been waiting for the men in camouflage to sneak up behind me.
I was standing in front of the refrigerator after my gentle waking-up. Another epiphany... I wasn't looking for toast, butter and jam... I was looking for fruit!
"Well, I never," I thought to myself. "Who would have thunk it?"
So two weetbix, two slices of fresh pineapple and a coffee later, yours truly is sitting here blogging about the beginning of day two.
I feel ashamed and guilty because my 89 year old mother is here, working alongside my wonderful husband, dusting and vacuuming our bedroom and living areas, because I'm not allowed to do that yet.
I feel slightly uneasy at how simple this all seems... if it was this easy, why have I been avoiding it? The food tastes just as nice, I'm not really missing the butter on my toast (I now just have a scrape of Healthy Heart spread), I'm really enjoying the fresh fruit and I'm already thinking about nice winter meals that I can try in my slow cooker, that will make life easier for us both.
OK, I'm limited in the physical activity I can do as yet, because the brains trusts have said, take it easy for a week or two.
But my hitherto undervalued life is suddenly looking a tad more inviting... who would have thunk it?
Fully expecting a scream from protesting muscle groups, the silence was deafening. A wee bit of stiffness in the already dodgy knees, which is totally normal ... but otherwise... zip... zilch... nada... not a sausage... :)))))
It's very interesting how easily one's mind reverts to the old and familiar - and therefore self-sabotage - when it comes to food. And with the drastic changes in my diet, I've been waiting for the men in camouflage to sneak up behind me.
I was standing in front of the refrigerator after my gentle waking-up. Another epiphany... I wasn't looking for toast, butter and jam... I was looking for fruit!
"Well, I never," I thought to myself. "Who would have thunk it?"
So two weetbix, two slices of fresh pineapple and a coffee later, yours truly is sitting here blogging about the beginning of day two.
I feel ashamed and guilty because my 89 year old mother is here, working alongside my wonderful husband, dusting and vacuuming our bedroom and living areas, because I'm not allowed to do that yet.
I feel slightly uneasy at how simple this all seems... if it was this easy, why have I been avoiding it? The food tastes just as nice, I'm not really missing the butter on my toast (I now just have a scrape of Healthy Heart spread), I'm really enjoying the fresh fruit and I'm already thinking about nice winter meals that I can try in my slow cooker, that will make life easier for us both.
OK, I'm limited in the physical activity I can do as yet, because the brains trusts have said, take it easy for a week or two.
But my hitherto undervalued life is suddenly looking a tad more inviting... who would have thunk it?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Geez, the wwwwwater wwwas a bbbit ccccold....
Time 10am
Date 18.4.11
Place Big Pool, Albany Creek Aquatic Leisure Centre
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this pool is bloody cold!!!!! It's raining, it's 22 degrees outside, and I'm running around in board shorts and top heading for my first hydrotherapy program. I must be NUTS.
I'm told by the fit young things at the front counter that the hydrotherapy pool is being used for the Under 3's Learn to Swim class, and that for today, it'll have to be the big pool.
I clutch two pages of exercises safely stored in a plastic sleeve.
I look around at the fit and trim swimmers ploughing up and down with seemingly no effort. With a gentle word, the swimming coach guides me towards the lane at the far side of the pool, which is thankfully empty.
I head for the shallow end, deciding that to wave my backside to world by going down the pool stairs will be less than graceful. I gingerly insert lower half and gathp with the cold... they said the water was 27 degrees... doesn't bloody feel like that to me :( But I bravely sally forth into the depths and get myself wet.
With unwilling arms and legs resisting me at every turn, I valiantly work my way through my two pages, feeling the depths of my body slowly recogise the word "activity" again. What the hell is going on here, it asks... how dare you throw me into cold water and ask me to do this stuff? However, I persist...
I rest carefully if I feel my heart beating too hard. Once or twice I feel the dreaded giddiness come back, and I stop completely and just hang there, praying for it to stop. I don't want my own heart to sabotage my comeback from the desert of bigness. I will hang on, I will not have another angina attack, I will not die ... I just will not have it!!
And damn it, I succeed!!! I complete the required 3 sets of 10 of each exercise.
At the end, I smile radiantly at myself on the inside, wallowing gently in the shallow end like a satisfied humpback after a feed of krill, basking in the knowledge that I have taken that vital first step.
But geeeezzzzz, that wwwaaater wwwas a bbbbit bbbbloooody ccccold....
Date 18.4.11
Place Big Pool, Albany Creek Aquatic Leisure Centre
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this pool is bloody cold!!!!! It's raining, it's 22 degrees outside, and I'm running around in board shorts and top heading for my first hydrotherapy program. I must be NUTS.
I'm told by the fit young things at the front counter that the hydrotherapy pool is being used for the Under 3's Learn to Swim class, and that for today, it'll have to be the big pool.
I clutch two pages of exercises safely stored in a plastic sleeve.
I look around at the fit and trim swimmers ploughing up and down with seemingly no effort. With a gentle word, the swimming coach guides me towards the lane at the far side of the pool, which is thankfully empty.
I head for the shallow end, deciding that to wave my backside to world by going down the pool stairs will be less than graceful. I gingerly insert lower half and gathp with the cold... they said the water was 27 degrees... doesn't bloody feel like that to me :( But I bravely sally forth into the depths and get myself wet.
With unwilling arms and legs resisting me at every turn, I valiantly work my way through my two pages, feeling the depths of my body slowly recogise the word "activity" again. What the hell is going on here, it asks... how dare you throw me into cold water and ask me to do this stuff? However, I persist...
I rest carefully if I feel my heart beating too hard. Once or twice I feel the dreaded giddiness come back, and I stop completely and just hang there, praying for it to stop. I don't want my own heart to sabotage my comeback from the desert of bigness. I will hang on, I will not have another angina attack, I will not die ... I just will not have it!!
And damn it, I succeed!!! I complete the required 3 sets of 10 of each exercise.
At the end, I smile radiantly at myself on the inside, wallowing gently in the shallow end like a satisfied humpback after a feed of krill, basking in the knowledge that I have taken that vital first step.
But geeeezzzzz, that wwwaaater wwwas a bbbbit bbbbloooody ccccold....
Visit to ER - without George Clooney
I'm ok really...
On Tuesday about 10.15am, I had a nasty pain in my chest just under my left breast - very sharp at first for about 5 secs - then a hard but dull-ish ache which radiated up my chest, up my neck, up into my jaw, and down my left arm to my elbow. I also had pins and needles in my arm down to my elbow. After about 10 secs, I got very light-headed, at which point I decided to sit on the floor, because I didn't want to fall on the floor. Ray wasn't home, so I just sat there until the pain and dizziness subsided a bit, and then went back to bed. I fell asleep and didn't wake until Ray woke me when he got home at 1pm. He wondered what was going on, because he knew that I had a big ironing job to get done that afternoon, and that I had planned to start it after I had had my morning "fiddle on Facebook". I explained what had happened, and we decided to go up to the GP to get it checked out, as I still had pain.
The GP did an ECG which seemed ok, and went over me a bit, but decided to just send me straight to Prince Charles Hospital Emergency. When you get there, you have to tell them if you are in pain and where it is. If it's chest pain, you get whizzed in really quickly, which is what happened to me.
After spending six hours in the ER, BP readings going through the roof, with people giving me angina pills to put under my tongue, paracetemol, aspirin, and finally a dose of morphine, together with a canula in my arm (for which they had trouble finding a vein and needed two attempts) and another ECG, the doctor decided that I should be admitted for investigation. At one stage, I had a discussion with one of the nurses, because I had no idea what they were testing me for - I mean I knew that a heart attack might have been on the cards (a serious MIGHT), but otherwise I was quite in the dark. She said to me, and I quote, "Look, here's what's going on. We think you may have had a small heart attack or at least an angina episode. What that means is that you either completely change your lifestyle, or you can start choosing the timber for your box". I must admit that I was quite shocked and completely daunted. I know I'm a big girl, I know I've got diabetes, but I thought that with my BP and cholesterol under control, that I was out of trouble. Not so.
I was admitted to a cardiac investigations ward Tuesday night. By Friday morning, I had had two more ECG's done, two fasting blood counts, a fasting lipids, no caffeine or stimulants of any kind (that was the killer punch for me - no coffee!!!!), and a CT scan of my coronary arteries. The CT scan meant that the canula in my arm was too small, and that another would have to be inserted (oh, joy). Three attempts later in my left arm (with no joy), they used an ultrasound to place a second canula in my right arm. I don't think the contrast dye agreed with me very much, as I felt quite woozy when I got back to the ward.
Friday night, I had my dinner which I didn't feel like (that is sooooo unlike me - even with hospital food), and was ready to watch a bit of telly before bed, when the cardiologist came onto the ward, and said, look, your CT scan was ok, we could only see 3/4 of your heart, the other 1/4 we couldn't see for the fat in the way; there are no signs of blockages in the visible areas, but there might be one in the area we couldn't see.
The other result that came up was that my thyroid is hardly functioning at all.
So they let me come home on Friday night, my head ringing with instructions about my new diet (a cross between the Healthy Heart diet and a diabetic diet), a new exercise regime (initially pure hydrotherapy, which I can add to later if I want), new meds for the thyroid, increased meds for the cholesterol, and instructions to see the GP to get the thyroid checked out forthwith.
So Saturday morning, we sat together in front of the pantry, emptied it of everything we can't eat into the rubbish bin (I have NEVER done that before), and then went grocery shopping with the new plan in mind. I was seriously dizzy at the end of the 45 min shopping expedition, and had to sit down before we went back to the car. The dizziness has basically continued with any exertion over the last day or so, so I'm going to have to go very quietly for the next week or two, I would think. My regular GP will have a hissy fit when she sees me on Thursday (thankfully that appointment was already booked before I went into hosp), as my BP and diabetes readings had been very good. The cholesterol was OK, but I don't know if she'd checked the thyroid. So I daresay I will be up for a full range of thyroid tests - whatever that involves.
We've been given a huuuuuuuge fright, and really a big warning about what to expect if I don't change my lifestyle. So now it HAS to happen, unless I want to kick the bucket in the next five years, ten at most.
I'm ok, really I am... I just have to go slowly and we'll find out where these problems are, and will fix them.
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