Frustration... and then some more...

I feel like I've failed so badly today...

She's 94 and her memory is fading fast.  She is at Stage 2 borderline Stage 3 dementia.

Today when her cleaning lady, Erica, arrived for her regular session, Mama chucked the biggest temper tantrum I've ever seen.  Erica looked sideways at me, immediately realising what was going on.  I, of course, did not.

Mama was screaming blue murder at me, calling me everything under the sun.  Even now, three hours later, her words are echoing around in my head like some bad nightmare.  I can see in my mind's eye, her mottled red face as she came out of the bedroom, and kept the rant going until she realised that Erica was standing in the living room.  Then the tirade stopped.

Mama then very mildly said, "I've lost my temper.  Because I'm a nurse...", and continued on with Erica like nothing had happened.  Erica and she went about doing their cleaning.

It was all because Mama didn't feel like changing the sheets on her bed.  Obviously she must feel like she doesn't have to make a bed any more, because in her mind, she's now a sister in charge of Women's Orthopaedic at the hospital, and making beds is beneath her dignity.  This happened in 1945.

After Erica had gone... I reacted like a powderkeg with a lit fuse, and gave her a right telling-off, because she had insulted and belittled me in front of a visitor, in my own home (which is also Mama's).  In my anger, I felt like I had to draw a line, and try to make her see that she had behaved very badly.

She looked at me like a frightened child, and said that she didn't remember saying anything like that to me, but that she was very sorry if she had offended me.

I, of course, now feel like a complete bitch... but I also know that we are not coping with her disease at all... I guess it all had to come to that point where you realise that you can't go on like you've been doing, because the straw just broke the camel's back.

After speaking with Veterans' Home Care, it looks like we'll be able to get in-home respite for her - up to about 3 hours a week, which sounds wonderful.  In addition, we'll be able to increase Erica's hours (I hope she doesn't mind - especially after today).  And we'll be eligible for more services once her ACAT assessment happens - but that could take 3 months to occur...

I only hope I last that long...