So the last 48 hours have brought more bitchiness from your truly, according to the Fount of All Wisdom, my mother.
After her little volcano-like temper of Monday, on Tuesday, I took her out shopping. We sat quietly at a cafe, and I tried to explain to her what was happening to her brain, and what it means to have dementia. She seemed to grasp the concept well, and could see my point when I explained that what had been happening was that when she was "unplugged" (which is actually very similar to my amnesias), she puts things away carefully, in some place which her brain at that time deems to be safe. Then when she's back with us and plugged in again, none of us can find anything other than her scotch bottle (which always lives in the fridge).
So she realised and readily agreed with me, when I suggested that it might be a good idea for me to hold on to her wallet, her bank cards, important cards, and her cheque books, so that they didn't get hidden somewhere safe when she was unplugged. I made a point of promising her that I would never spend her money, nor would I ever withhold any money from her if she needed or wanted it for any reason.
Yesterday morning (Wednesday), things were chugging along as normal, when she demanded to know who had "stolen" her wallet. Ray tried to reason with her, and she physically lashed out and pounded him on the chest and stomach - which he said later actually hurt quite a lot. His internal organs are affected by leukaemia, so I daresay she banged on his liver and spleen, neither of which would not have enjoyed the experience. She screamed blue murder at him, at which point I intervened.
She started to have a go at me, when I held her shoulders and ordered her to calm down, while I endeavoured to remind her of the previous day's discussions. She said she never would have agreed to any such arrangement. So I went into my room, shut the door, and proceeded to get out all of her things, and then went back outside with them.
I sat and counted her money with her - down to the last 5 cents in her coin purse - before she believed me, that no-one had spent any of her money, no-one had stolen anything, that it was simply being held with my wallet and cards for safe-keeping.
Her temper tantrum came and went like a breeze, and she returned to her normal self. In order to try and create some new weather in the household quickly, I suggested that she might like to come to South Bank with me while I got my hair cut. She pounced on that idea and said that sounded like fun.
So off we set, with said wallet, cheque book and purse, in my handbag, for a day at my crazy hairdressers. Three hours later she had sat patiently while they did my hair, and put in a colour - which she offered to pay for - and it wasn't cheap! Then we went in search of something to eat, and got the bus home.
Again, after two scotches she wanted to know where her money was, and I reminded her of its safekeeping with my things. She was so drunk, she just went to sleep anyway. No apology for poor battered Ray :(
Today produced more of the same, but at least this time she didn't lay into Ray. She just complained to me all day about how unpleasant it was to live at home now. I countered that by saying that she could always go into a retirement village or a nursing home, which remark brought instant silence.
Heaven only knows what tomorrow will bring... Lord, give me strength!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Frustration... and then some more...
I feel like I've failed so badly today...
She's 94 and her memory is fading fast. She is at Stage 2 borderline Stage 3 dementia.
Today when her cleaning lady, Erica, arrived for her regular session, Mama chucked the biggest temper tantrum I've ever seen. Erica looked sideways at me, immediately realising what was going on. I, of course, did not.
Mama was screaming blue murder at me, calling me everything under the sun. Even now, three hours later, her words are echoing around in my head like some bad nightmare. I can see in my mind's eye, her mottled red face as she came out of the bedroom, and kept the rant going until she realised that Erica was standing in the living room. Then the tirade stopped.
Mama then very mildly said, "I've lost my temper. Because I'm a nurse...", and continued on with Erica like nothing had happened. Erica and she went about doing their cleaning.
It was all because Mama didn't feel like changing the sheets on her bed. Obviously she must feel like she doesn't have to make a bed any more, because in her mind, she's now a sister in charge of Women's Orthopaedic at the hospital, and making beds is beneath her dignity. This happened in 1945.
After Erica had gone... I reacted like a powderkeg with a lit fuse, and gave her a right telling-off, because she had insulted and belittled me in front of a visitor, in my own home (which is also Mama's). In my anger, I felt like I had to draw a line, and try to make her see that she had behaved very badly.
She looked at me like a frightened child, and said that she didn't remember saying anything like that to me, but that she was very sorry if she had offended me.
I, of course, now feel like a complete bitch... but I also know that we are not coping with her disease at all... I guess it all had to come to that point where you realise that you can't go on like you've been doing, because the straw just broke the camel's back.
After speaking with Veterans' Home Care, it looks like we'll be able to get in-home respite for her - up to about 3 hours a week, which sounds wonderful. In addition, we'll be able to increase Erica's hours (I hope she doesn't mind - especially after today). And we'll be eligible for more services once her ACAT assessment happens - but that could take 3 months to occur...
I only hope I last that long...
She's 94 and her memory is fading fast. She is at Stage 2 borderline Stage 3 dementia.
Today when her cleaning lady, Erica, arrived for her regular session, Mama chucked the biggest temper tantrum I've ever seen. Erica looked sideways at me, immediately realising what was going on. I, of course, did not.
Mama was screaming blue murder at me, calling me everything under the sun. Even now, three hours later, her words are echoing around in my head like some bad nightmare. I can see in my mind's eye, her mottled red face as she came out of the bedroom, and kept the rant going until she realised that Erica was standing in the living room. Then the tirade stopped.
Mama then very mildly said, "I've lost my temper. Because I'm a nurse...", and continued on with Erica like nothing had happened. Erica and she went about doing their cleaning.
It was all because Mama didn't feel like changing the sheets on her bed. Obviously she must feel like she doesn't have to make a bed any more, because in her mind, she's now a sister in charge of Women's Orthopaedic at the hospital, and making beds is beneath her dignity. This happened in 1945.
After Erica had gone... I reacted like a powderkeg with a lit fuse, and gave her a right telling-off, because she had insulted and belittled me in front of a visitor, in my own home (which is also Mama's). In my anger, I felt like I had to draw a line, and try to make her see that she had behaved very badly.
She looked at me like a frightened child, and said that she didn't remember saying anything like that to me, but that she was very sorry if she had offended me.
I, of course, now feel like a complete bitch... but I also know that we are not coping with her disease at all... I guess it all had to come to that point where you realise that you can't go on like you've been doing, because the straw just broke the camel's back.
After speaking with Veterans' Home Care, it looks like we'll be able to get in-home respite for her - up to about 3 hours a week, which sounds wonderful. In addition, we'll be able to increase Erica's hours (I hope she doesn't mind - especially after today). And we'll be eligible for more services once her ACAT assessment happens - but that could take 3 months to occur...
I only hope I last that long...
Monday, November 23, 2015
Pouch Test - Day 2
Day 2 went surprisingly well also!!!
Managed a protein shake and a big glass of water for breakfast. Thankfully, I was flat out all morning, and then went out again early in the afternoon. Barely had time for a small protein drink at lunch time, and then was out for a good part of the afternoon.
Didn't do as well on the water front, but did have a couple of skinny decaf lattes whilst on the road! I feel like I had a victory, because I didn't snack while I was out, even though my dear mother had to have a mini quiche! And I bought a pastie for the boy, because he was at home and not out with us!
Had a big protein drink and a tub of yoghurt for dinner - yummo! Now downing a decaf before bed, and feel terrific because I've got through the first two days without one single cheat. May even have an apple for supper!
Bring on soft mushies on Day 3!!!
Managed a protein shake and a big glass of water for breakfast. Thankfully, I was flat out all morning, and then went out again early in the afternoon. Barely had time for a small protein drink at lunch time, and then was out for a good part of the afternoon.
Didn't do as well on the water front, but did have a couple of skinny decaf lattes whilst on the road! I feel like I had a victory, because I didn't snack while I was out, even though my dear mother had to have a mini quiche! And I bought a pastie for the boy, because he was at home and not out with us!
Had a big protein drink and a tub of yoghurt for dinner - yummo! Now downing a decaf before bed, and feel terrific because I've got through the first two days without one single cheat. May even have an apple for supper!
Bring on soft mushies on Day 3!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Pouch test - Day 1
Surprisingly (well, for me, anyway), Day 1 went well. Had a protein shake for breakfast. Having church in the morning helped enormously - drank heaps of water in sips, and ate an apple between classes to stave off the carb desire.
When I got home, I made a protein shake and had a diluted fruit juice for lunch, and again had that lovely full feeling quite soon really.
Hit the sack after lunch, and slept for hours (I've been staying up late), so that took care of the afternoon.
The Litmus test happened this evening. We were invited to some friends' house for dinner at short notice. Ray briefly explained that I was on a limited diet at the moment, and would bring my own stash. He was looking forward to a lamb shank!
I took a tub of sugar-free tropical yoghurt and had an Aussie Bodies coffee drink. Great plan. They fed their faces, while I gently ate my dinner, and enjoyed every mouthful. I did eye off their mashed potato, but otherwise I was fine with it all.
Home now, and having a decaf coffee before bed... a big day tomorrow and Tuesday, so we'll see how well my meal planning will work away from home.
When I got home, I made a protein shake and had a diluted fruit juice for lunch, and again had that lovely full feeling quite soon really.
Hit the sack after lunch, and slept for hours (I've been staying up late), so that took care of the afternoon.
The Litmus test happened this evening. We were invited to some friends' house for dinner at short notice. Ray briefly explained that I was on a limited diet at the moment, and would bring my own stash. He was looking forward to a lamb shank!
I took a tub of sugar-free tropical yoghurt and had an Aussie Bodies coffee drink. Great plan. They fed their faces, while I gently ate my dinner, and enjoyed every mouthful. I did eye off their mashed potato, but otherwise I was fine with it all.
Home now, and having a decaf coffee before bed... a big day tomorrow and Tuesday, so we'll see how well my meal planning will work away from home.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Pouch testing...
So I have been thinking that my sleeve has stretched. I've been thinking about it for a while really, and only now do I know for sure that it's my own silly fault. I've broken every rule in the book! Eaten the wrong food, not drunk water at all, not sleeping properly, not exercising... and so the list goes on!
So today is Day 1 of the Five Day Pouch Test as designed by Kaye Bailey. Downloaded the book from the sleevers' page on Facebook and saved it to my desktop so I can look at it often. Also downloaded the Weightloss Surgery Cookbook for Dummies for some different recipes.
Today, I've had a protein shake for breakfast, an apple at morning tea, 3 pieces of watermelon at church (it was sandwich Sunday and I didn't want to cheat). On the pouch test plan, you can eat watermelon when you're having carb cravings! Woo hoo! Melons here I come!
Been drinking lots of water, and for lunch I had a diluted fruit juice and another protein shake for lunch, and now feel quite full.
Ready for a nanna nap... more tomorrow when Monday starts!
So today is Day 1 of the Five Day Pouch Test as designed by Kaye Bailey. Downloaded the book from the sleevers' page on Facebook and saved it to my desktop so I can look at it often. Also downloaded the Weightloss Surgery Cookbook for Dummies for some different recipes.
Today, I've had a protein shake for breakfast, an apple at morning tea, 3 pieces of watermelon at church (it was sandwich Sunday and I didn't want to cheat). On the pouch test plan, you can eat watermelon when you're having carb cravings! Woo hoo! Melons here I come!
Been drinking lots of water, and for lunch I had a diluted fruit juice and another protein shake for lunch, and now feel quite full.
Ready for a nanna nap... more tomorrow when Monday starts!
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Moving in with Mama...
So, we are at day 10 of our new living arrangements with Mama...
The move itself occurred over a 7 day period, when we moved all of our own boxes and household items, and then we hired a removalist to move the furniture. Definitely the hard way to do it, but we saved $$ so I can't complain. We are still finishing up at the unit, cleaning and getting the carpets shampoo-ed, and getting the place sprayed for pests. That happens this week. Hopefully we'll be able to hand in our notice this week. We have a medical release letter from my psychiatrist, so that we can get an early lease break. We know that we'll have to pay up a little more, but we've finally escaped the constant noise and lack of privacy. We have to sleep in separate rooms for the first time in our married life, and we hate it, but it's a small price to pay if we know that in doing so, Mama is safe in her own home.
I know we all have an adjustment period to go through, but I think it's going to take me longer to adjust than everyone else. Ray is skating along, sliding over the top of everything. He cooks dinner most nights, including Mama's Meals on Wheels, which is very good of him. And sometimes he remembers to get the washing off the line. But otherwise, he just does his thing, watching TV, sleeping, and resting up before chemo starts the week after next.
But otherwise, it's all me.
Washing, ironing, tidying up, setting the table, clearing the table, washing up, cleaning the kitchen (which hasn't been touched since the last time I cleaned it), cleaning the laundry (which looked as if it hadn't been touched in years), Mama's washing and ironing... and the list goes on. Thank goodness we have a cleaning lady coming in to do the floors and bathrooms!
She deeply resents any kind of change. Ray wheedles change out of her. But when I ask politely for something to change, she yells blue murder at me, and then I retreat. Maybe I need to use Ray as the conduit.
On the other hand, she follows me everywhere, wherever I go. She watches me do her work, her washing, her ironing, etcetera, with blank eyes, as if she's wondering where that work actually came from. Whenever I go to my room, she stands in the doorway, and repeats the same things she has said to me five minutes earlier in the kitchen, as she watches me clean. She will comment in fury that the kitchen isn't dirty, but then I show her the blackened Pinowipes, and she looks at them in astonishment. So I am trying to work my way around those awkward moments without making her feel small or inadequate, although it's very difficult.
Sometimes it's really challenging for me to watch her doing her thing. She flits from one task to another, forgetting where she needs/wants to put things, or why she's had them out in the first place. Things just get moved from one room to another.
When we go out, she asks me where we are going. Then when we get to our destination, she'll say, "What are we here for? I didn't want to come here!" I gently remind her why we are there, and the light bulb suddenly flickers on again... She apologises profusely, and then as we walk around, she'll ask me again why we're there. It's so sad to watch her decline like that.
Mercifully, I have the study in which to hide. Whenever I want quiet time, they both know that I retreat in here, and put my glasses on, and look intently at the screen, often with my earphones on... to drown out the sound of the TV which is set to "deafening" every night. I hide in here, trying to work out ways and means...
This whole episode is teaching me one of Heavenly Father's primary values - patience. I only hope that when I grow old and decrepit, someone will be patient with me...
The move itself occurred over a 7 day period, when we moved all of our own boxes and household items, and then we hired a removalist to move the furniture. Definitely the hard way to do it, but we saved $$ so I can't complain. We are still finishing up at the unit, cleaning and getting the carpets shampoo-ed, and getting the place sprayed for pests. That happens this week. Hopefully we'll be able to hand in our notice this week. We have a medical release letter from my psychiatrist, so that we can get an early lease break. We know that we'll have to pay up a little more, but we've finally escaped the constant noise and lack of privacy. We have to sleep in separate rooms for the first time in our married life, and we hate it, but it's a small price to pay if we know that in doing so, Mama is safe in her own home.
I know we all have an adjustment period to go through, but I think it's going to take me longer to adjust than everyone else. Ray is skating along, sliding over the top of everything. He cooks dinner most nights, including Mama's Meals on Wheels, which is very good of him. And sometimes he remembers to get the washing off the line. But otherwise, he just does his thing, watching TV, sleeping, and resting up before chemo starts the week after next.
But otherwise, it's all me.
Washing, ironing, tidying up, setting the table, clearing the table, washing up, cleaning the kitchen (which hasn't been touched since the last time I cleaned it), cleaning the laundry (which looked as if it hadn't been touched in years), Mama's washing and ironing... and the list goes on. Thank goodness we have a cleaning lady coming in to do the floors and bathrooms!
She deeply resents any kind of change. Ray wheedles change out of her. But when I ask politely for something to change, she yells blue murder at me, and then I retreat. Maybe I need to use Ray as the conduit.
On the other hand, she follows me everywhere, wherever I go. She watches me do her work, her washing, her ironing, etcetera, with blank eyes, as if she's wondering where that work actually came from. Whenever I go to my room, she stands in the doorway, and repeats the same things she has said to me five minutes earlier in the kitchen, as she watches me clean. She will comment in fury that the kitchen isn't dirty, but then I show her the blackened Pinowipes, and she looks at them in astonishment. So I am trying to work my way around those awkward moments without making her feel small or inadequate, although it's very difficult.
Sometimes it's really challenging for me to watch her doing her thing. She flits from one task to another, forgetting where she needs/wants to put things, or why she's had them out in the first place. Things just get moved from one room to another.
When we go out, she asks me where we are going. Then when we get to our destination, she'll say, "What are we here for? I didn't want to come here!" I gently remind her why we are there, and the light bulb suddenly flickers on again... She apologises profusely, and then as we walk around, she'll ask me again why we're there. It's so sad to watch her decline like that.
Mercifully, I have the study in which to hide. Whenever I want quiet time, they both know that I retreat in here, and put my glasses on, and look intently at the screen, often with my earphones on... to drown out the sound of the TV which is set to "deafening" every night. I hide in here, trying to work out ways and means...
This whole episode is teaching me one of Heavenly Father's primary values - patience. I only hope that when I grow old and decrepit, someone will be patient with me...
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Seven months down on the road of the weight loss track...
So I didn't really want to bore everyone with the ins and outs (particularly the outs) of a fast weight loss program... suffice it to say, I've had days of complete "outs" when I could keep nothing down or in... it all had to come out in one way or another... and then I've had particularly stellar days...
The above photo was taken with my dear friend Geraldine (on the left) in the summer of 2013. At that stage, I weighed something in the vicinity of 140kg.
I've been back to the surgeon once or twice, mostly for routine check-ups... and once back into hospital for a post-op infection which cleared up quickly.
Now, after seven months, and days and weeks of trying alternative foods, no foods, some foods, some junk, some healthy... you name it, I've eaten it... and drunk it...
I have lost .... *** drum roll please *** .... 40 KILOGRAMS!!!!
Yes, I know I'm shouting. But I could really yell this from every rooftop.
If you had told me at the beginning of this journey that I could have lost this much weight, I would have laughed in your face. Seriously.
Never in my wildest dreams did I realise that this kind of loss was not only possible, but probable! This is completely normal!
Did I say that I really like this kind of normal? It's just so awesome on so many levels:
The above photo was taken with my dear friend Geraldine (on the left) in the summer of 2013. At that stage, I weighed something in the vicinity of 140kg.
I've been back to the surgeon once or twice, mostly for routine check-ups... and once back into hospital for a post-op infection which cleared up quickly.
Now, after seven months, and days and weeks of trying alternative foods, no foods, some foods, some junk, some healthy... you name it, I've eaten it... and drunk it...
I have lost .... *** drum roll please *** .... 40 KILOGRAMS!!!!
Yes, I know I'm shouting. But I could really yell this from every rooftop.
If you had told me at the beginning of this journey that I could have lost this much weight, I would have laughed in your face. Seriously.
Never in my wildest dreams did I realise that this kind of loss was not only possible, but probable! This is completely normal!
Did I say that I really like this kind of normal? It's just so awesome on so many levels:
- you don't always have to go to the fridge/cupboard/kitchen bench for something to eat
- you don't always feel like you have to go to the fridge/cupboard/kitchen bench
- you can and do frequently go into dress shops for "normal" sized people, because you are now considered (mostly) normal
- you go hunting in op shops for those great bargains because you know that you'll definitely find something to fit you!
- you go hunting for shoes at Rivers because you know that you'll definitely find something to fit you!
- you regularly go to Boost Juice because you know you'll feel full for hours on one of their juices - which can contain that extra protein that you need to make you feel awesome!
Did I say that I really like this kind of normal?
To know that nearly all of the clothes that were so generously donated by my friend, Tonia, are now mostly too big.
To know that I can now fit into a Millers Size 18, with room to spare in some cases! WOOT!!!
It's just so liberatingly wonderful! The above pic was taken this evening in pants which are too big, but the top fits nicely.
I have yet to finish my journey. I have lots more weight to lose. My goal is 70kg. If I can get there, I will no longer be classed as obese.
This too shall pass. I shall reach that goal; now I know I will!
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